"A shadow shall fall over the universe, and evil will grow in its path, and death will come from the skies."
Heavy Metal, released in 1981, is an anthology of vignettes based on tales from the magazine of the same name. The plot, if that's what you can call it, goes like this: The epitome of all the evil throughout universal history, the Loch-nar, tells seven of it's tales of malevolence to a little girl. Loosely linked together by the orb's involvement, the seven stories relate such varied subject matter such as World War II, coke-snorting aliens, and a pterodactyl-riding hottie. Since this movie is such a criss-cross of good and bad, I'll break it down vignette by vignette.
First on the plate is the intro ("Soft Landing"), which isn't anything more than an excuse to show off the groundbreaking visuals of the time. It depicts an astronaut coming home to his daughter from space via a red corvette, bringing with him a seemingly harmless object. Soon we discover that his find is actually the most sinister object in the history of the universe, and it quickly sends the astronaut off to Never-Never Land. The orb identifies itself as The Loch-nar and begins relating its tales of evil to the little girl. This viggie, like I said, is only an animation show. It also makes a miniscule attempt at performing the unimportant (seemingly in director Gerald Potterton's eyes) task of setting up the overall plot of the movie. This is easily the stupidest sequence of the movie, its fate sealed by the corvette shuttlecraft.
Next is "Harry Canyon": An archaeological dig uncovers the Loch-nar, which is subsequently brought to a museum. We're then introduced to a post-Apocalyptic New York cabbie, who gets caught up in the evil that is the Loch-nar after picking up some pretty buxom fare: the curator's daughter. This is one of the better sequences in the movie, obviously one of the inspirations for the above-average Bruce Willis sci-fi romp The Fifth Element. The best part of this tale is when Harry and the prostitute at the police station have confrontation.
"Den" follows the adventures of pre-teen-science-geek-turned-buff-hero Den, the latter of which he is turned into after being transported to an alternate world. His goal there is to save the ever so nude Catherine, but while trying to achieve this he is sidetracked by two local sorcerers battling for supremacy. How this shows the evil intentions of the Loch-nar, I don't know, but it is still enjoyable nonetheless. The best thing about this section is John Candy's voice-acting. There's just something about seeing a buff-bodied man being voiced by Candy that brings a tear to my eye...or not. But anyway...
"Captain Sternn" depicts a space commander on trial for just about every abomination that is humanly possible to commit. But he isn't worried, because he thinks that the surprise testimony of janitor Hanover Fiste will get him acquitted. What ensues is quite possibly the stupidest story in this film. I was not entertained whatsoever, save for the list of accusations against Sternn. I will not waste anymore space writing about this crap.
"B-17" shows the story of a heavily wounded WWII-era bomber coming back from a mission. The casualties are high, with only the two pilots left alive. When the co-pilot is sent back to check on the other crew members, he is horrified to find a bloody mess of dead bodies. With the help of the little green ball that's chasing the plane, the bodies reanimate and wreak havoc. This is easily the best part of the movie. I found this more genuinely scary than many of the live-action horror films that came before or has come since. The end is killer (pun-intended), and was obviously inspired by Night of the Living Dead '68.
"So Beautiful and So Dangerous" lets us bear witness to the misadventures of a Pentagon aide, her horny robot lover, and two coke-snorting alien burnouts. This is by far the funniest skit of the flick, but it also has the least to do with the Loch-nar, which is supposed to be driving the not-so-there plot. But que cera cera, let's enjoy it for what it is: juvenile humor. This viggie is also home to the 2 best lines in the film:
AIDE: "I'm afraid I'm gonna come home and find you humping the toaster."
ROBOT: "You're just gonna have to trust me."
"The Legend of Taarna", the last section of the film, goes like this: The evil green sphere converts an entire culture into warfaring peoples who immediately invade their neighbors. The leaders of the invaded society seek the aid of the last of a protective warrior-race, Taarna. She arrives too late to help, but vows to avenge them. "Taarna" is the longest section of the movie. And it lets you feel it as well. As with the first hour or so of 2001: A Space Odyssey, "Taarna" is an effects show, albeit an animated effects show. Some people might find the crappy animation a turn off in this segment, as do I. But I didn't let it get me down, and for my efforts I was treated to a fairly decent tale (when it was there) and a nice twist-ending, which reveals who the girl to which all of the orb's tales are being told really is.
Heavy Metal is, without a doubt, a very niche movie. This is one you either like or you don't. I like it, but I also see why others may not. The animation sucks by today's Toy Story standards. But hey, this was 1981 and MTV was in, man! The stories range from very good to very stupid to very crappy, with some actually telling a cool story to some being nothing more than an excuse to show animated T&A. The sound is awesome, with a soundtrack supplied by great bands such as Journey, Nazareth, and Blue Oyster Cult. So, in other words: check it out, it may be worth your while, but don't say I didn't warn you!
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